Sure, sometimes it doesn’t feel that way, but in an (theoretically speaking because really how can you prove it) infinite stage anything finite is very limiting.

And we are very finite.

It doesn’t feel that way when you’re young, dumb and full of… well whatever. Time has a way of being stupid when you’re young and you spend a lot of that time wishing it would go faster.

It’s only when you’re old, dumb and… not all that filled up as much that you realize the value of your time.

And sure, scrolling through streaming services in a lazy state of finding something to watch and killing time is the definition of wasting it, it’s also oh so important, the pinnacle of importance to land on something that won’t waste your time.

No?

Folks.

Welcome to your Doom Scroll…

Today’s soundtrack.

Triangle did not live up to my scrolling.

And I can’t think of a better example of that then what I decided on the other night…

Because it occasionally shows up on a bunch of those you-don’t-know-it-but-I-do cool internet net movie lists, it’s been on my radar for awhile.

The premise is simple mindboggingly complex: a group of people go sailing, hit some bad weather, find a ghost ship and…

This is where things get a bit loopy.

The trailer above hints but of course doesn’t tell the whole story. And you may be intrigued enough to check it out. I won’t blame you. I did. Just my experience didn’t live up to the expectations, yours might be different. So skip ahead if you need to. It’s 98 minutes.

If you’re still here I will go ahead and dive ever so deeper into the premise of this movie and tell you: it’s a time loop movie. Actually, it’s more than that.

It’s an overlapping time loop movie, meaning there are multiple loops happening at the same time, interacting with one another. It’s a lot to unpack. That premise alone might steer you away. I get it. But that’s not the whole story.

It’s here that I say if you do find the idea of overlapping time loop movies intriguing and you haven’t seen Primer yet, you should start there…

Triangle does not hold your hand. It’s propulsive, and asks the viewer to keep up. None of which I had an issue with. We should encourage and watch more complicated, complex movies.

No. That wasn’t my issue.

There is a “twist” that comes toward the end of the movie that, in a way, explains what’s going on, or at least offers… reasoning as to the “why” of the whole thing. (Not the “how.” Never the “how” in these movies).

And I felt that twist betrayed the previous 80 minutes, redefining a character and their actions.

I believe it was revealed this way in a, “Oh, that’s why,” but then once you start scratching at that, you uncover the holes in the plot that you can’t unsee.

So while I’m a sucker for time loop movies, and this one took a swing, ultimately it missed.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, fire up Time Crimes instead, a movie I would bet the creators of Triangle took some inspiration from:

You know how there’s a theory that Shakespeare was not one person, but a few? Maybe not grounded too much in reality.

But can we say the same about Guy Ritchie?

Or should I say, Guy Ritchies.

Because this guy shits out more stuff than I shit shit. (Take that Shakespeare - the line just flows!)

Case in point, he’s got a new movie out. And it looks absolutely Guy Ritchieian…

Guys, this ain’t Shakespeare.

This is 1997 Saturday afternoon TNT.

I’ve written about Obsession before, but it’s finally upon us.

As of 10:30 AM this morning it holds a 95% Rotten Tomatoes approval rating with both critics AND audiences. I’m sure those numbers will tweak as we move forward, but it seems as though this is the movie people will be talking about for awhile.

But there’s another movie bouncing this weekend that looks like fun stuff to talk about…

This looks like an overflowing barrel of fun. Something sometimes gets discarded when people make movies. I hope I’m right.

FRIDAY FUNK

• Sir David Attenborough’s 100th Birthday: The world is celebrating the 100th birthday of the legendary naturalist. Take a moment to appreciate his decades of work connecting us to the natural world.

• Medical Breakthroughs: Researchers recently announced that a common constipation drug may protect kidneys against chronic disease. Additionally, new data shows eating eggs could cut Alzheimer’s risk by 27%.

When even an AI product seemingly has a difficult time coming up with substantial reasons we should feel good, it may be time to worry.

And look, I get it. It’s easy to fall into a rabbit hole of a new pandemic on the horizon (though please don’t); people are still shooting at one another in the Middle East; the global economy going catching hantavirus; and, maybe I’ll stop because AI really spit out a dump of shit to be concerned about. At least I’ll be able to poop I guess after celebrating Attenborough’s birthday.

But, loo, we’re all in this together. The sun is shining outside my house. It’s Friday. Pick and choose the cool small things that can make you break a smile today. Because, after all…

This is your Hopium.

Today’s soundtrack:

Folks…

We’re so back! 26 seasons back! And while I’m almost certain no one can name either a cop or a lawyer catching and prosecuting the NYC filth, you’ll have a chance to get know them next year!

Ok, I didn’t want to do this, and I’m not going to frame it as a hot take necessarily, but…

I don’t think it’s that ridiculous to suggest Jack McCoy (Same Waterston) was the best Executive ADA in the history of the show. Ben Stone (Michael Moriarty) was… fine, though a touch sanctimonious.

DA? Loved Adam Schiff (Steven Hill), and he had some of the better storylines, but Arthur Branch (Fred Dalton Thompson) brought a conservative angle that routinely bumped against McCoy’s sixties idealism which made for some entertaining friction.

Assistant DAs? Now we’re getting in angry dog with a bone difficulties… Murderers row right here:

• Paul Robinette (Richard Brooks): Seasons 1–3.

• Claire Kincaid (Jill Hennessy): Seasons 4–6.

• Jamie Ross (Carey Lowell): Seasons 7–8.

• Abbie Carmichael (Angie Harmon): Seasons 9–11.

(Shout out to Connie Rubirosa (Alana de la Garza here but also just not a heavy hitter when you look at the above four)

Claire came to an untimely end, the only one getting actually killed off the show (Spoiler alert!) which then pushed Lenny Briscoe back to the bottle for a bit, which felt a little forced… so it comes down I think to Jamie and Abbie and the pick between them is going to be based on personal politics. But really, you can’t go wrong with either. Both were strong enough to hold beliefs and call Jack out on his occasional lunatic legal strategies.

But let’s be honest… it’s about the cops. Those stodgy lawyers with their laws and courtroom etiquette.. get out of here.

I’m not going to deep dive this or make it overly complicated. Do I have a personal love for the suits and questionable morals of Joe Fontana Dennis Farina) or the complicated special forces backstory of Cyrus Lupo (Jeremy Sisto) (I feel as though season one of Six Feet Under may be clouding my judgement, and also don’t want to psychoanalyze what that suggests)? Of course. We all have our personal favorites that we get pumped to see when we catch a rando episode. But this has to be objective. (I’m also immediately eliminating all detectives from season 20 on because they’re the background shrubs in this play.)

First with a badge has to be Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach). A wearied, kinda holding it together cop who has ssen too much shit, Lennie IS NYC law personified. Later on in his run when he got more to do, we all believed it because of the groundwork he laid to get there.

So if you have Lennie, and we’re doing this by partners, you have three to choose from:

• Mike Logan (Chris Noth)

• Rey Curtis (Benjamin Bratt)

• Ed Green (Jesse L. Lawrence)

Each wore their sins on their sleeve (rage/lust/greed) in a believable way, giving the audience just enough to show how it affected their procedure. It’s a (catching) murderers row right here. You can’t go wrong with any of them. But…

It’s gotta be Green. I think he and Lennie had the most meat to chew on, did the most with it, and created the best run of the show. And when you look back at who was involved, that’s no easy feat. At this point, after 25 seasons, Law and Order has become a societal security blanket, giving us not easy answers but easy entry points to complicated questions and debates.

It doesn’t hurt that it’s always on, which I can only assume was decreed by some president’s executive order.

Anyway, at the end of the day, we’ll always have Law and Order.

Feels like a little bit of a breather when you look at the theater releases for the weekend.

I guess the biggest title is…

There’s a bit of discourse around this movie that I’m not going to get into, mostly because… I really don’t think it matters. Video gamers are passionate about their games and want everything to be the exact way they want it so it’s impossible to make an adaptation that is perfect for all. But this one seems to at least trot in the right direction? I can’t keep up with the Mortal Kombat movie universe as I don’t keep up with the Mortal Kombat video game universe and so I hope it’s everything to everyone who does keep up with those universes.

Sorry, maybe this is the biggest release of the weekend?

Look, I’ve seen this trailer a bunch now and it looks stupid. But, it’s currently sitting at a 95% on Rotten Tomatoes, so who’s the stupid one? It’s also based on an acclaimed novel and I guarantee there are worse things to go see.

Ok, so the movie I want to see most this weekend is a movie I can’t see. Or at least, can’t see easily. Because The Python Hunt, a documentary on Florida’s special solution of eliminating an invasive species is only playing in NYC (and I assume a screen or two in Los Angeles).

I’ve had this movie on my radar for awhile now, and am mildly surprised it’s getting any kind of theatrical release. Documentaries are usually tricky to find in general, so I’ll keep my eye on this one and see if it becomes more available in the next few months or so.

I mean, it looks deliciously crazy so…

Netflix is giving us another live event this weekend with The Roast of Kevin Hart and uh, is it me or is this promo trailer insane?

I mean, what’s going on? Anyone else feel this says nothing about a comedy roast and Kevin came in with his own promotion ideas? Anyway, I assume the actual event will be slightly more traditional. It’s on Sunday.

FRIDAY FUNK

I remember a time, once, my dad bought a kite. It wasn’t for me per se… but it wasn’t not for me. I think it was more for him to fly a kite with me, because it wasn’t one of those dime store cellophane jaunts with fifteen feet of string. It was one of those Sharper Image, museum store type kites, with smooth-wood reel winder and proper nylon kite material. the kind that you spend too much money for because, let’s face it… it’s a quality product but you’re not all the sudden gonna become a kite guy so why spend so much?

Especially for a kid? And now you can see why it wasn’t for me, but also kinda for me. I wasn’t going to run around in circles in the back year with this kite. This was a capital K kite and I’m sure my dad had visions of bonding grandeur with me over it.

So one day, a summer day when it was still light after dinner, he and I went over to a local commuter college that had plenty of open space and a lack of trees to Wright Brothers this fucking kite.

Now, I’m not sure how many of you know what it takes to get a kite up in the air. Logic of course dictates you need some amount of breeze, and I don’t remember the conditions of this day other than I don’t think it was particularly windy. The other variable in this scenario is that this was, as I’ve previously mentioned, a proper fucking kite.

And really, I don’t remember much of this particular event. Other than exactly what I do remember.

And that is that kinda out of nowhere, while we had the kite on the ground, this random dude (definitely a young white guy doing dude things) came driving across the field (off road but in compact car - not joy riding but also, no idea why he was grass riding in like a Toyota Camry type). And while he didn’t really come close to driving over the kite, he did drive right over the laid out string.

And that, struck a nerve in my dad. I don’t think the string was damaged in much of any way, but… perhaps to my dad, it was the principle of the matter. To be fair to him, this guy was driving a car through a field. It is weird. And like, there was a lot of other field to drive through.

“Hey turkey! Watch where you’re going!”

This is the second most significant thing I remember of that day. I knew there were words out there people called each other. And while “turkey” was derogatory in that special 80s sitcom sorta way, also felt kinda anachronistic, even to my eight year old brain. But maybe he was attempting to keep my virgin ears… virginal.

And he said it was such conviction. The way you would call someone an “asshole” today.

The guy’s window was open; he clearly heard it, which led to the most significant thing I remember of this situation. The car slowed.

“Nobody calls me a turkey!”

I have a complicated relationship with my dad. Don’t we all though? But in this moment, even at eight, there were plenty of emotions running through my mind. Fear, anxiety, small dose of absurdity.

But also… curiosity.

Now trust me. I want to to finish this story on a bang with the result of someone getting beat up. And since it happened 40+ years ago so I feel as though I would have gotten over it if my dad was the one who got the beating.

But no one got beat up. And to be honest, my memory is fuzzy on what DID happen. I know my dad took some steps toward that car, said a few more things, and the dude probably flipped him off and drove away and that was that. An anti-climatic deescalation of generational discourse.

But also, why do I remember that specific moment? I have no recollection of getting the kite in the sky. No moment of joy or father/son bonding; nor terror of multiple failed attempts at getting an overly expensive kite off the ground.

Just the brief moment of minor conflict, that probably shaped 80-90% of my life.

Folks, welcome to the Doom Scroll.

Today’s soundtrack:

What the fuck is this guy doing?

C’mon now. This feels is especially stupid. Like stupider than even just swimming in shark infested waters. Because this feels as though there was a plan involved. A stupid, stupid plan, that multiple people were involved in.

Seriously, watch it again. Did the people involved in the plan not think something like this would happen? Also, what the fuck?

This ain’t Bruce Campbell’s Evil Dead

I know I referenced the complicated nature of the Evil Dead universe recently, and that’s without even mentioning Evil Dead Burn. Now, I’ve not watched an Evil Dead movie that wasn’t made in the 80s, so it’s possible I’m off base here but the joy of the original Evil Deads were the horror blended with camp. They were scary but they were fun. And I know these days fun at the movies is a completely different vibe but these new Evil Dead movies, particularly this one, feels like a grind. A horror grind and that’s a thing, and I begrudge no one for enjoying it, but it doesn’t feel in tune with what Evil Dead at least started out to be.

Groovy.

It’s astounding…

… time is fleeting…

I got my hands on a bootlegged Rocky Horror Picture Show VHS tape in high school, back when bootlegged VHS tapes were the internet.

Not the greatest way to experience it.

But also, probably better than experiencing it this way.

Money sucks, but money fucks so we’ll get shit like this forever.

I dunno.

I want The Odyssey to be good. I celebrate art.

But…

I’ve got some concerns after watching the new trailer.

• Does it feel especially clean to anyone else? I feel like ancient Greece would have a bit more grime.

• The cyclops moment - not the cyclops itself… but the soldier he has in his hand? Uh…

• Is this a role Matt Damon is good for?

I know it’s a trailer and I do think Nolan can pull it off, but… like I said…

I dunno.

An important read.

Terrifying but also… optimistic? Maybe simply realistic. It’s hard. the internet is what it is, and what you make of it. And it’s hard to puncture through the upper crust to get where you want. I like to think of this small little piece here a bit of what’s under the upper crust, using humanity, not algorithms to ponder. Sure, it’s base is pop culture stupid and plays in the muck and mire of professional sheen, but it is also real and not programmed to be kind to your likes and interests.

Anyway, I hope you’re enjoying it.

And right, you know. I know. We all scream we know. We know the next hand hold may be the one that ain’t so much of a hold; more like a fold. The rubber bottoms of the shoes you got on grip real nice, until they don’t.

What’s the world to do in a situation like that? When the belayer is fast food fueled dementia patient who holds the rope, and makes sure the world knows he’s holding the rope until oops he’s poured gasoline all over the rope and is holding a flame thrower?

You fucking climb.

Welcome to the hopium.

Today’s soundtrack…

This looks fantastic. Let’s hope it IS fantastic.

Zach Cregger is on a bit of a heater. Director of both Weapons and Barbarian, his next movie is…

… a video game adaptation?

I guess so.

Now, it doesn’t really look like a video game adaptation. In fact it looks to be pretty much a straight up banger. But I don’t really, truly know because I’m not a joystick kid really and I never played Resident Evil. My Resident Evil knowledge lives and dies with Milla Jovovich and B movie quality.

This does not appear to be B movie quality. I’m pretty excited for this one. Cregger has performed CPR on the modern horror conceit and breathed life into it with his previous projects. Let’s hope he can do it again.

A horror movie you can watch today.

So, you can’t watch Resident Evil right now, but you can watch Hokum.

And while the premise of a writer going off to live in an old spooky house/hotel doesn’t scream originality, that doesn’t mean it won’t make you scream.

Trailer looks quite effective. Adam Scott is plumbing his depths and giving it a go here. Sometimes, cliches are cliches because they’re true. A haunted house story done well can scare the bejeesus out of you.

If horror ain’t your thang.

Let’s be honest, the biggest, baddest movie release today is The Devil Wears Prada 2, the Search for More Prada…

The year of the Hathaway continues with great outfits, great stars and great fun. I saw the original waaaaaay back in dickety two, don’t remember much about it but, why not a sequel? I hope it makes a billion.

Sh-sh-sh-SHARK!

If you like your shocks less stylish outfits and less reality, and you can find a theater playing it, maybe check out Deep Water…

Back when I took a look at the teaser trailer, I thought for sure Sir Ben Kingsley was not long for this movie, as in he’d die in the crash. This full trailer however, shows that isn’t true; while his death is all but guaranteed, he will be around a little longer assuring survivors they’ll be fine stuck in the half of the plane at the bottom of the ocean.

As shark movies go, I can’t imagine a better description of the entire thing than this review. I’m sure it could be worse.

Ok, so what should you watch?

I’ve got two things I’m gonna shout out. One new, one old:

Widow’s Bay has kinda crept up outta nowhere, much like an old shanty sea hag…

Can’t think of a trailer that captured its content quite so well than that one, at least from what I’ve heard about this show, because it’s been described as a comedy.

Horror comedy is oh so tough to deliver without going full camp and while I’ve not seen any of this show yet, I don’t think we’re in camp territory. And to be honest I was going to dismiss this until Kyle sent me this…

Great reviews AND Stephen Root trying to pull off a slightly more serious Quint?

Yeah, I’m in.

You’re probably not familiar with the name Ted Kotcheff, but I bet you’ve seen at least some of his work. A pro’s pro of a director, he filmed a diverse catalog of movies including First Blood, North Dallas 40, Uncommon Valor and Weekend at Bernie’s, before tackling 13 years of Law and Order: SVU.

But it’s the 1971 Australian thriller Wake In Fright that I’m most interested in…

“Gritty Australian outback thriller” was my nickname in high school, though to be fair few people used it mostly because of the length. Regardless, this is a film you should probably check out if you like film. But don’t take my word for it. Scorsese refers to as:

And if that completely do it for you, yes, that was Donald Pleasence!

Look, it’s not the easiest movie to see. However, it’s currently on Shout! TV for free. And of course you already downloaded Shout! TV because I previously mentioned Get A Life was streaming there so you should have no problem!

FRIDAY FUNK

Bringing it back to your grey drab cubicle that overlooks the other grey drab cubicles you settle into your office chair; today, unlike yesterday the back reclines. You don’t know why the settings change. You used to, but no reason you could come up with made you feel good, so you just kind of accept it now as something that will happen. You look down at the rubik’s cube of knobs, levers and doodads, briefly considering diving in before realizing you don’t have a master’s degree in chair technology. Instead you get your laptop out of the bag, settle into your grey drab day and think about what you should do for the next 10 minutes or so of unexpected peace you have.

Welcome to the Doom Scroll.

Today’s soundtrack…

Are we sure this is good?

The controversy surrounding the upcoming movie Coyote vs. Acme is nothing unique; what made this situation different is that somehow we heard about it. I’m sure there are plenty of movies shelved for tax write-offs, we just don’t hear about them.

Now, let’s set aside the idea that discarded completed creative content can be discarded to positively affect a bottom line for a moment because our descent into an artless society is too depressing even for a doom scroll like this. Because, at least in this moment the creators kinda sorta won (let’s also put aside Warner Brothers I’m sure won, or at least lost less than they thought they would) and their movie will be seen, in theaters, this August.

And we’ll all get to see who was right? And uh… well, here’s the trailer for you to get excited about it? I am… concerned isn’t the right word, but are we sure Warner Brothers doesn’t know ANYTHING about movies?

Mr. Beast and his games

Stumbling over this article I learned there’s a season two of Beast Games (A game show? Reality series? Real life Squid Game that is different than the actual real life Squid Game show?). a show created by internet person Mr. Beast that pits people against one another to win cash. That I knew there was a season one of Beast Games independent of the article is clear evidence that my brain is the frog in a pot of water that is slowly beginning to boil. And yet…

I too, after watching the first episode of season one agreed with the youtuber and felt the show was callously removing contestants simply by forcing them into a self-elimination choice. I watched no further so I have no idea if it got better, worse or simply maintained its pointlessness. And I don’t plan to ever find out.

But if you have a sense of curiosity about that (and this is by no means any judgement, for I too, thought about watching the video) then this video review of season one’s “challenges” is for you. And of course there’s a video for season two as well. Because, the show I saw somewhere was a “record breaker” for Amazon. And that fact alone is extremely frightening to me.

Oh no.

Had Ted Lasso ended after one season, I believe it would be considered one of the best shows of the last twenty-five years. It was a teaspoon of sugar during the world needed in the moment and it struck the perfect chord, giving us some time to escape.

Success in television however doesn’t allow one offs; it creates a Pacman effort to gobble up more money and the conceit of Ted Lasso didn’t really allow itself anywhere to go after neatly tying the bow of season one.

And so now we get a fourth(!) season. So why not give him a womens’ team to manage?

What is truth anymore anyway?

This article/internet post shows how easy it is to create a “truth” using AI, 12 dollars and about twenty minutes. And that is frightening for a number of reasons as citations and verifications rapidly lose their currency in our world. But I wonder whether the AI LLM would have suggested there was a 6 nimmt world champion without going through all of that, as I have run into that actual situation; AI creating a lie and then creating a citation for it.

Not a car guy

… And maybe that’s why I have never found my inner Dominic Torreto and given myself over to the family. But I always felt (at least the original) was nothing more than a cargasm remake of Point Break (without Gary Busey). But look, I know I’m in the movie going minority, and I can appreciate that it is a popular franchise (or at least was)… and maybe it is the standard for what Hollywood would call “the perfect franchise.”

Jam of the Day

We’ve finally got some teeth-stinking stuff this weekend at the box office. Some looks good, some looks at least interesting, and some of it looks terrible. A great mix…

The Year of the Hathaway starts today with Mother Mary…

I can’t quite wrap my head around what this movie is supposed to be, which it the best kind of movie for me. Something that defies expectations and presents ideas and concepts in a fresh, interesting way. Reviews for it are kind of all over the place, but I appreciate the big swing and adherence from director David Lowery. Plus, it’s very cool the music for the movie was created by Charlie XCX, Jack Antonof and FKA Twigs.

I don’t predict it will do much business, but this has cult film written all over it.

Of course, that’s not the only music-focused movie releasing this weekend…

I’m not really sure how to engage with this. A lot has been written about it, specifically around the child abuse allegations that the original script apparently tackled, but then scrubbed out due to a clause in a lawsuit settlement.

Part of me of course understands why you wouldn’t put the ugliness of child sex allegations in your movie about a pop star that is still considered a global icon. But also…

Ick?

The movie is projected to earn somewhere between 65 and 90 million dollars this weekend, which shows that is fans are his fans and they can easily remove the art from the artist. And look, I know many, if not all the accusations around Michael Jackson are alleged, he wasn’t convicted of anything, and our system is built on “innocent until proven guilty.”

Still, if you’ve never seen Leaving Neverland…

I can’t easily recommend Leaving Neverland if you haven’t seen it, but it does fill in some gaps that Michael seemingly ignores, and completes the messy, complicated picture of Michael Jackson.

Slightly less controversial…

A remake of a Norwegian film (The Trip)1, Over Your Dead Body isn’t attempting to reinvent the wheel, but it looks like a bunch of faces you’ll recognize having a grand old time figuring out ways to kill each other because relationships are tough.

What else?

The trailer for Fuze takes you on a journey from bomb disposal to bank heist!

Feels like a perfectly adequate action movie that will hit hard on a boring Saturday afternoon six months from now.

These next two are nothing you’re going to see on the theater. In fact, if I had to bed neither are anything you’re ever going to see.

BUT

Each has something…

I have a soft spot in my heart for movies that choose every idea imaginable to put on the screen with a budge of zero. I can’t tell you Wasteland Cop is going to be good, bad or terrible-bad-but-bong-hit-good. That’s for you to decide but it does seem to be comfortable in its celluloid skin, giving you exactly what it promises in a Costco wrapper. Starting with a bad Mad Max ripoff and then going completely off the rails has to count for something.

Unfortunately I don’t know what to make of The School Duel…

It too filled with a lot of ideas, it feels slightly provocative for provocative’s sake. I’m not thrilled they’re hanging a hat on the “The Purge for school shooters,”2 which only further supports my forced provocativeness theory. But, it at least looks a little interesting and is tackling a social issue in a different way. As I’ve done many times in the past, if you don’t want to take a chance on this, just go watch Battle Royale:

So, what should you watch?

Well, if you have HBO Marty Supreme bounces on it today!

You also have Apex on Netflix, starring Charlize Theron:

But I’m not sharing Apex because I particularly think you should watch it; I’m Trojan Horsing you in order to recommend one of the classics; a movie I’ve touted in the past; a true underseen gem that you’ll be kicking yourself after for not checking it out earlier. I’m of course talking about:

I doubt anything can make your weekend better.

FRIDAY FUNK

So let’s use this as a diving board into a rabbit hole pool today. Because I’ve got some thoughts.

Since the original bounced in 1974, audiences have been treated to, among other various forms of content (including comic books and video games), eight other films. Some are reboots, some are prequels; the ties and connections among them are an orgy of earthworms in complexity that I’m not going to break down. The original carved its place in horror classics; all the attempts at cashing in after that pretty much dribbled away, becoming nothing more than Jeopardy questions about Viggo Mortensen, Matthew McConaughey, Jessica Biel and Renee Zellwegger.

But why? Why is the first one referred to as " the most horrifying motion picture I have ever seen" (shout out Rex Reed!), while the rest are considered retreads of boring ideas?

Well, aside from the fact that it’s an original, and the sequels struggle to do or say anything different and unique about the concept of a man going around murdering people with a chainsaw, I’d suggest the name itself 1000% invokes a raw, emotional feeling that is hard to duplicate. That, and it’s amateurish quality, (fake) documentary-style shenanigans (it is not based on a true story) and at the time somewhat original conceit (slasher movies didn’t really exist) make it’s existence bigger than the actual film itself.

Because if you watch it now, it’s - based on the tidal wave of viscera we expose ourselves to on a daily basis - kind of tame. But at the time, few people, if any had ever seen anything like it.

And sequels, by nature are mostly built on the idea of simply giving you more of the same. So, while I’m sure the people who make sequels believe in their ideas and want to audiences their unique vision, they also have to fall back on the original, thereby creating a weird, Catch-22 that often sinks movies like this.

And yet, there is hope on the horizon. It’s been recently announced that a new reboot/sequel/prequel/whatever of this franchise has been handed over to Curry Barker.

Why could this change things?

Curry Barker is one half of the comedic duo That’s A Bad Idea. Now, their humor obviously isn’t for everyone but you can certainly feel that it rides the razor blade line between humor and horror…

That’s a Bad Idea has been making youtube shorts for awhile now, but I’m guessing the one that broke off and opened Hollywood Doors was the film Milk and Serial, a “found footage” movie about two friends escalating a prank war. You can watch it right now on Youtube:

From there (I’m yadda yadaing over probably a lot of blood sweat and tears these guys put in, but also the timeline has moved rather quickly) Curry Barker got a deal to make an actual horror movie, Obsession, which comes out next month.

Obsession has been receiving some pretty great reviews and I’m sure has led to the TCM news. And while we have plenty of examples of how directors fumble with sequels, this hopefully will be different. I feel as through Barker has as good a shot as anyone to take the conceit of the franchise and move it into a different, original place.

Not like these two other horror movies though!

The first, I share only because I want to point out the real missed opportunity to name it Hungry Hungry, but I guess there’s still a thin streak of fear they want to maintain with it. But c’mon - the premise of a hippopotamus terrorizing a swamp tour IN NEW ORLEANS doesn’t beg Saving Private Ryan levels of seriousness to begin with…

(Also, I don’t know about any of you, but the “4 tonnes” jumped out at me and my American mind as being weird. I get that a “tonne” is the metric weight, which is different than a “ton,” (the difference being roughly 400 pounds) but it seems strange that the film would die on this hill of accuracy being about a killer hippo in the bayous of New Orleans. I can only assume this is an international conglomerate of production companies behind this banking on the idea that it will speak to audiences overseas.)

I doubt I’m going to see this.

But I can’t say that about Colony.

Now a couple of disclosures before we get to this trailer. Because search the name “Colony” on Letterboxd and you’ll get dozens of returns. It inspires very little in the way of excitement. In fact, I almost scrolled right past.

But I’m glad I didn’t. Although that leads me to my next disclosure. Watching the first 15 seconds or so of this trailer I was immediately reminded of another movie, and then 30 seconds in I got the reveal that I was absolutely right. Watch it here and if it doesn’t mean anything to you I will explain it better below:

Train to Busan is arguably the best zombie movie ever. And I will stand behind that statement as you sling the arrows of other movies at me. The train station segment will be my shield. Regardless, if you haven’t seen it and like the zombie genre, do yourself a favor and seek it out. It’s on Netflix and if you don’t have that, download the Roku app. Pretty sure it’s free…

There is a sequel to it, but it’s not nearly as good… but legit - Colony seems to be it’s unofficial cousin. Normally I’d say that’s not a great thing; directors rehashing their old ideas (I mean Colony looks A LOT like Train to Busan and Rec - another bonkers zombie movie - had a zombie baby together if we’re going to be honest) but I’ll give Yeon Sang-ho some slack here and say Colony will meet the high expectations.

Anyway, that’s your movie homework for this week!

Jam of the Day

Two things jump out at me about this movie that I’m rather curious about:

1. Apparently, this is a “reimagining” of late 20th/early 21st century’s Mummy franchise. But Brendan Fraser ain’t showing up in this. However, Brendan Fraser may be showing up in another Mummy movie, that is apparently in development. All of this feels a bit confusing, and leads into my next point…

2. The choice to put the name Lee Cronin in the title is… something. I assume the primary reason is to distinguish it from the original Mummy series (look I know there were roughly 900 Mummy movies throughout the years, and Abbott and Costello met a mummy and all that, but for these purposes, we’re going say Brendan Fraser’s mummy movie is the original) while also indirectly connecting it to the original Mummy since, you know it’s apparently a “reimagination.” It’s quite the needle threading they’re attempting and usually these Hollywood needle threads fail miserably. Because this of course all leads to kind of a big question:

Who the fuck is Lee Cronin?

It seems Blumhouse Productions, one of the main studios behind the movie, think a lot of people already know the answer.

But I’m not sure that’s exactly true.

Lee Cronin is a director who is most notably known for making Evil Dead Rise, a sequel to a remake (or maybe reboot? These words have lost all meaning in Hollywood) within the Evil Dead franchise. Seriously, I just did a deep dive on wikipedia for the past 30 minutes or so and I still don’t fully understand the complete lore of Evil Dead movies. If you want to make a go of it, knock yourself out here. But be warned: words “reboot", “sequel,” “continuation,” and “spin-off,” are used liberally and interchangeably.

And to really fuck with your head, Evil Dead 2 is sometimes considered a “requel,” of the original Evil Dead and sure, you may now want to stab your eyes out with a fork. BUT, allow me to offer an exit off this stupid highway, by suggesting to just skip Evil Dead and go right Evil Dead 2 if gunning to get into the whole Evil Dead of it all. Seriously, it’s an amazing film…

Regardless of ALL THAT, all you really need to know is that Lee Cronin directed what is technically the fifth installment within the Evil Dead universe.

And that’s pretty much the shingle they’re using to sell you this new mummy movie. Feels maybe we’re slightly jumping the gun a bit on this dude’s perceived gravitas.

Yes, he’s directed another movie… 2019’s The Hole in the Ground:

And uh… based on the trailers alone I feel as though Mr. Cronin needs to work out some possible “children” trauma. Both these projects feel VERY similar in conceit.

Nothing of this has anything to do with the quality of any of the movies he’s directed. I’ve seen none and they could all be brilliant. It’s more the promotion of these films I think being too micro-marketed to cover a lot of bases ultimately no audience is really going to deep dive into. Fuck, I just did and I’m not happy with myself right now. But there you go - a bunch of horror movies you can dive into this weekend!

So here comes the section where I offer up something to watch… because let’s face it, even though you have a syllabus of horror up there that you can sink your teeth into, sometimes horror ain’t what you want to watch. So let me offer you, The Dark Wizard…

No, The Dark Wizard is not Game of Throne fan fiction, it’s an HBO docuseries based on the life of Dean Potter, a mountaineer who drifts into other extreme sports as well.

For fans of Free Solo (this has a direct correlation to that movie that I won’t spoil) and other mountain movies I feel this will be right up your alley. But, if you don’t want to commit to a whole docuseries might I offer Valley Uprising:

This is less about one individual and more about the culture of rock climbing (specifically in Yosemite) and how it exploded in the 70s. You can’t go wrong with either of these really.

Anyway, enjoy you weekend!

FRIDAY FUNK

But it’s always there. And while it’s unfeasible to get away from it, I feel there are ways to give it gentle nudges to get more of what you want.

But this isn’t even that.

This is stuff outside your algorithm, stuff that hopefully sparks that dying ember of curiosity that struggles within you, fighting the good fight against the carefully curated content the machine has for you. I know it sounds rather hyperbolic to describe it as such, but also… I’m willing to bet your algorithm will never give you something like this…

Buffet Infinity is apparently a movie about… well its wikipedia page says it’s about two buffet restaurants fighting each other for customers…. told entirely through old television commercial clips (that I believe are fictional, but listen, we’re way past the fucking yellow brick road on this one).

Now, if you didn’t get that after watching the trailer, you’re not alone. Obviously, this isn’t your standard, simply structured movie.

I can’t tell you whether it’s going to be any good. Frankly, I’m going to be impressed if you got through the whole trailer. But this it’s stuff like this I’m after and I hope if nothing else, you can appreciate that idea that sometimes we have to get out past our skis to truly push through the boundaries of monotonous drugs the tech lords keep pushing.

Legends is a new Netflix show from Neil Forsyth, British’s Guy Ritchie, if Guy Ritchie were from somewhere else than Great Britain. Ok, I’m not sure who that’s more insulting to, but if you watch these trailers you’ll get the vibe. Regardless, Forsyth created The Gold…

… which, I just figured out is streamable on PBS Passport, a streaming service from the PUBLIC BROADCASTING SERVICE. And if the existence of our nation’s public television station charging a fee to watch television isn’t the what we causes us to break out into Civil War…

ANYWAY…

The quick hack to watch The Gold is to use your television devices to set up a recording for the show and eventually get all of them, assuming your television devices give you access to PBS, which again, another Civil War brick in the wall and all, but it really is worth it if you’re into British crime thrillers.

But this isn’t even about all that, this is about Legends, the NEW Neil Forsyth show, and something you would probably be more excited about had you watched The Gold. Alas, we’re past that point…

Is undercover police work in order to snuff out a drug gang a novel concept? Of course not. I' think it will be decent and worth your time, but also if you read this and then quickly forget about it, it is what it is. But what it did for me was trigger the Steve Coogan appreciation part of my brain and remembering this:

This clip is from a British television show called The Trip, which is a fictionalized version of Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon visiting restaurants. Look, it’s obviously more than that but if you don’t have AMC+ (who does?) you won’t be able to watch it anyway. UNLESS, you want to see the somewhat edited down version, which was turned into a film. THAT you can watch on Roku or Pluto! And if you think that’s confusing, hold on just a second.

Because The Trip television series (it had multiple seasons, so I can’t refer to it specifically as the film, apologies) was born out of the enjoyment these two actors had while filming the movie, Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story, which was kinda sorta inspired by the novel The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman, a book I could never accurately describe other than to suggest it’s a post-modern novel before post-modernism existed, and that in itself should be a clue as to what you may get yourself involved with should you choose to explore further.

And if you do choose that journey, I am happy to say, unlike everything else I just previously mentioned, the A Cock and Bull is readily available to watch on Youtube!

What does all this have to do with Netflix’s Legends? Nothing other than connecting the tenuous Steven Coogan web in my brain, and giving my algorithm a run for its money (and I didn’t even get into the weird shit where “Michael Caine” got me to Urge Overkill’s Erica Kane).

Mother Mary is a film both Kyle and I rated pretty high on the 2026 movie anticipation list this year, realizing director David Lowery, if nothing else, creates thought-provoking projects. But after reading some reviews, it seems this one is high-level shit and, if anything, we should be anticipating it more. I won’t link to the reviews, as I believe they give a little too much information, but if you’re desperate, you can find them. All I know is I’m pretty pumped to go see this.

This list of great movie stunts is actually pretty good and captures not just great stunts, but also the Hollywood history of great stunts, not forgetting that there were movies before 1979. Obviously it doesn’t capture the essence of stunts/action movie scenes as the draft Kyle did a year or so back, but hey, not every list on the internet can be so complete.

I mean, not including the truck chase from Raiders, choosing the boulder scene is a choice. And while the Ong Bak street chase scene is great:

(especially once we hit the 4:45 mark where it goes next level) that’s not even the best Tony Jaa stunt scene!

Tom Yum Goong (The Protector) boasts a ~4 minute one shot fight scene that you simply must watch… twice:

First watch simply enjoy it for what it is, one guy fighting his way up a bunch of floors of a kingpin hideout.

Then watch it again for the technical marvel and choreography it employs to pull it off.

Jam of the Day

But perhaps bizarre is the definition for this past week. Dreadfully bizarre.

As bizarre as a first lady stumbling through an “I’m innocent” speech regarding her relationship with a convicted pedophile.

I can’t answer questions like that anymore.

But you can go to the theaters and watch a movie glorifying snuff films!

I’m only half kidding.

Faces of Death is here!

Described by many as a remake, it is not.

Described by others as a meta remake of the original, it isn’t that either, unless you define meta as simply referencing the real world in your fictional universe.

I really wish copyeditors still existed.

Look, I’m going to tread somewhat lightly here, because Faces of Death, one of the original viral videos before the internet traded in that extremes of death for entertainment, a collection of both real and staged deaths caught on film. If you grew up in a certain time, a time before rotten.com and even the internet in general, a time when the local video store had a curtain and chutzpah dividing the popular movie releases from the other stuff, then you probably at least know the lore of Faces of Death.

But if you don’t, this article does a pretty good job of capturing the moment.

In a nutshell, Faces of Death was a mockumentary with a droll narrator plumbing the depths of depravity, ostensibly packaging it as a real look at how different global cultures deal with death, but in reality providing reel after reel of (both real and fake) sensationalized depictions of horrifying violence.

The new movie, as far as I can tell, is a fictional horror about someone recreating the deaths from the original source material.

Without getting too deep into a semantics debate about what’s considered “meta,” this new movie does seem to introduce or at least casually litigate some of the stickier issues we all have to deal with in a modern internet world, including what is real and whether we should be given access to it.

I was definitely one of those people who heard about the original movie and then sought it out; the morbid curiosity of a thirteen year old male teen knows no bounds until faced with them. The movie spawned at least three sequels, which speaks to the car crash gawker curiosity our society has. It wasn’t easy to watch (both to get your hands on AND then to sit through), but I can only assume these days it would be quaint to our desensitized brains. In fact, much of it can be found on youtube so if your morbid curiosity is pulsing through your head, have at it.

I assume this new movie’s only similarity with the original is the title, and it’s a “standard” horror gore movie. It’s got a 68% on Rotten Tomatoes, so it’s tracking as at least somewhat positive. And I can’t imagine it’s even half as disturbing as 8mm. So, if you’re kinda iffy on the whole death on screen thing, might I steer you toward another movie from the same director but arguably more provocative in nature (but much less violent)…

Did you know Steven Soderbergh had a new movie???

I can’t tell you what The Christophers is about, other than it appears to clearly answer the question of “what is art.” Which… FINALLY.

But seriously, it has a limited release today before going “wide” next week. “Limited” and “wide” of course are no longer defined by anything anymore however so good luck finding it playing anywhere near you. It does look interesting and Soderberghian, which is enough for me.

The Yeti looks terrible:

But possibly terrible in a good way? I can’t tell, but it looks like at least he creators were going for something, and even with the apparent lack of cultural research (The “Yeti” legend is pretty specific to Himalayan folklore) maybe this will have a “so bad it’s good” quality to it.

I’m not holding my breath.

I’m also not sure I can stomach the thought of actually watching Netflix’s Thrash, but stranger things have happened. I feel both good and bad for Dijon Hounsou; good he’s getting work; bad it’s been reduced to projects like this, but hey…

A slightly (SLIGHTLY) more serious take on the concept of Sharknado, if you’re intrigued by the concept but can’t get over the poor effects, cliched storylines and not so great acting (Hounsou aside) might I recommend Crawl, which was surprisingly decent working with the same concept…

As previously mentioned here, I think my biggest release anticipation is for Exit 8, a liminal space, video game inspired movie from Japan…

FRIDAY FUNK

I can’t force you to watch the video, but I will tease not just the inspired song choice to kick the video off, but also the meta conversation that is had in the video ABOUT the song choice, which is a perfect example of - and excuse the buzzfeed-ness of the next line - “something younger generations will never get to experience.”

Because while the song was a foundational block of classic rock radio station playlists of my youth, it is not necessarily a huge hit. Dare I say it’s not even the band’s most recognized song. And I apologize for being coy and not mentioning it here, but I know I have at least three or four readers who will get a kick out of it when watching the video.

But classic radio not only goes through decade cycles, leaving the older songs to collect dust in deejay closets, music radio in general is rapidly becoming the pony express way of enjoying time. I’m not here to litigate how great “my time” growing up was; on demand everything is of course plenty awesome and the 24/7 everything buffet we all eat at is great. But there’s something to be said for getting that teeny tiny bit of dopamine when that awesome song you heard once before happens to pop up on the radio while you’re driving to go lifeguard. I struggle to find a something akin to it in these modern times.

Anyway, the passing of another ski season has a pretty cool soundtrack you should check out.

Maybe the unexpected pop moment surprises come packaged in television teasers such as this one…

I’m getting a If I Had Legs I’d Kick You on crystal meth vibe, but also that could be completely wrong and I’m here for it. I’m not looking anything up for this one. I think I’m just going to let it all wash over me and enjoy the cool anticipation this spikes. Here’s hoping you feel the same way.

On the absolute other end of the spectrum, I really can’t figure out the why of the existence of Peacock’s The Miniature Wife. Aside from a fringe kink community, the idea of a small spouse is… well this one looks like a bore to me. Oh, here comes the cat! I’m living in a dollhouse! That finger is huge! Hope I’m wrong? Someone explain it to me please.

Speaking of deranged…

So there’s a Michael Jackson movie bouncing soon. That sentence alone probably conjures up some weird feelings in you. It definitely does for me. Pushing aside the debate of separating the art from the artist (I believe that’s a journey everyone must take for themselves), I get that there’s a story behind this very famous, influential artist that is intriguing. But uh… apparently the entire story won’t be told, at least not in this movie. And the reasons are complex and not exactly why you might think, so… I’m just not sure there’s a reason (yes, money of course) why this project exists if it’s going to kinda like not address… stuff?

I’d be an idiot if I didn’t do a proper Artemis II shoutout, because while we live on a rock filled with stupid, we have sent a crew of people into the unknown wonder and are basically getting a live stream of the unknown, and we’re not giving enough awe to the whole thing.

Lots of people question the why of it, and to them I simply say add some more wonder into your life diet and you will be a better person.

Perhaps the best place for finding new music discoveries is RIGHT HERE.

Ok, so that may be a bit of hyperbole, I will share some recent sounds I’ve heard and I think others should hear…

Mt. Joy has a song out, with a new album coming soon. Think front of the station wagon bench seat rock:

White Denim also seems to be teasing a new album this year, and while the first two cuts feel a bit more mature with their usual sound, I’m excited. Think that last bite of everything on your plate after sharing a bunch of takeout Chinese food:

And in honor of Artemis II, without diving too deep into how the brain synapses connect things, I feel this song perhaps captures a lot of the voyage…

Jam of the Day

I played this last night to a sparsely populated high school stadium of people to watch a girls’ lacrosse game. The reaction was ambivalent confusion!

Almost as crazy as soundtracking your ski video with Jethro Tull!

(I particularly enjoy the unabashed, unironic non-apology apology and “guardrails” it’s instituting going forward to ensure this won’t happen again, when of course it will continue to happen again and again.)

While ultimately inconsequential in the grand scheme of - looks around, realizes the world is on the brink of every bad thing imaginable - whatever, it still made me pause a little since… well, I’m not sure it’s accurate to say A.I. lied, since that is a significant philosophical question that each person has to individually grapple with, but it did something deceitful, whether intentionally or not. And I’m not egotistical enough to suggest my dumb personal example is an indictment of something more sinister or significant; I’m using it to suggest it’s going on and it’s certainly going on with bigger, more important decisions.

And we’re barreling down the road like a monkey on cocaine driving a motorcycle, with really nothing in place to stop anything.

But, and here is the big thing…

Not, do we care, but will we even know anymore?

Because in my instance, the ONLY reason I even figured the quote wasn’t real was becauseI found it pretty provocative and wanted to read the rest of the review it came from and maybe quote it some more. So I split second decided to google the critic and publisher Chat GPT sourced:

It’s not like I have A.I. radar. I was easily fooled, just like some editors at one of the major publishing houses, who recently decided to pull the soon to be American published book, Shy Girl.

And then there’s stuff like this…

Yes, I can hear you saying that you can tell that it’s A.I. generated. And I won’t challenge you. But in six months will you be able to say that about the next one? Hollywood people are definitely freaking out about it.

So yes, there are some out there concerned about A.I. produced entertainment content, but that fight is losing battle on two fronts: one, their numbers are slowly dwindling, as we sink into the cultural quicksand of “who cares-ism;” and two: we’re rapidly approaching a point where we won’t be able to tell what is human generated and what is A.I. And that begets the next question:

Will it matter?

Again, I can’t answer that. It’s a 21st century created koan. It’s something you have to decide for yourself. Sure, there are people out there raging against it, but… the A.I. slop wave is legion, and not only is it built on the backs of humanity, it is a reflection of what we want. And it seems we don’t care as long as it gives us cute dogs doing funny shit…

Well, I’d love A.I. to attempt to recreate my poorly written words. And to be clear, my poorly written content is a choice to ensure you know I’m not A.I. bot.

We’re clear on that, right?

Ok, let’s dive into some fun shit…

In honor of the time loop movie Redux Redux (a very anticipated movie here at Gas Station Cuisine) hitting up VOD this week, here’s a list of time loop movies that are a little off the beaten track. Perfect if time loop movies are you favorite genre.

Speaking of anticipated movies for 2026, no idea how this didn’t make the list, but Backrooms is looking mighty creepy. The lore behind it is long and internet-coded as I’ve written about before, so it will be interesting how this translates to the general, oblivious public. I’m excited!

Inversely proportional is my anticipation for the new Masters of the Universe movie:

And to dive ever so deeper into this… what the fuck is this? I remember the original 80s Masters of the Universe toy world, even having a bit of it. It was… fine. A good way to encourage childhood imagination with plastic things. I assume it captured the hearts of others; I begrudge them nothing, I have my own personal nostalgia for certain 80s nonsense, just not this specific world. But honestly, does the movie even look to capture a fraction of that? The vibe feels so generic and not interesting in the least. PROVE ME WRONG MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!

Jam of the Day

But there are some options.

“This building is a temple to Satan.”

If you don’t know what you’re getting when you purchase a ticket for They Will Kill You, you might not be the brightest sharpie in the junk drawer. But even for you dull sharpies, they spell it WAY out in the trailer…

And while yes, I think they give away the canary, it looks like some good ol’ fashioned gore fun time at the movies. Everyone appears to be having fun, the director certainly is capital G Going for it and I’m sure there’s a twist or two along the way. You could do worse.

But if you want true horror. True, stick to your ribs, existential dread scares, I’m guessing this is the movie for you…

There’s always doom and gloom with new technology, and AI is no different. The thing is, as I assume this doc explores, the potential terror this technology brings is something that can affect us all immediately. We are the frogs in a pot of water right now, and I’m not sure who’s controlling the burner. But that doesn’t even matter when we’re giving the burner the power of thought.

We failed as a society when we made the concept of studying philosophy a joke.

And now that society may just go poof.

Best bet at the movies this weekend? The 40th anniversary of Stand By Me…

Kinda wish all those AI dudes would maybe take a break and go see it to maybe learn something.

Let’s Turn to TV

I love when a show drops below my radar. And Amazon’s Bait definitely did. But it’s been getting some decent buzz and it’s blend of meta and comedy is heroin for me…

Also, why couldn’t Riz Ahmed be James Bond?

Speaking of doing heroin and stuff I will carve out time this weekend for Mike & Nick & Nick & Alice:

Whip cracking dialog delivered by Vince Vaughn and the best part of Paradise James Marsden wrapped up in a time loop blanket is something I would have dreamed up in kindergarten. That’s a compliment. My guard is up, especially after the abomination that was Good Luck Have Fun Don’t Die, but I can’t quit these type of things. Just like heroin.

I like to think the Stranger Things dudes were hanging out on the Netflix campus getting drunk when the Baby Reindeer director sidled over with his friend and started kicking it late night style and then this show got drunk dreamed into reality. None zero chance that really happened.

But what should you really watch?

I’ve been imploring everyone who will listen to watch HBO’s Neighbors. And that was before last week’s episode when the show seemingly gave up on its conceit and decided to dive into the life of this one person. To say more would spoil the roller coaster ride. And to jump right into it without having first watched the episodes that came before it would lessen the severity of entertainment this show delivers.

And look, I realize that some of the show is produced up to create more havoc. I’m not a reality TV noob. However, it’s impossible to truly create the characters in this. While suggestions may be slipped to them by the producers, they are genuine in their beliefs and overall actions. Which, if you take a step back and look over the initial feral entertainment, past the lunatic insanity of some of these people’s actions, you start to wonder just how we’re supposed to interact with one another in society. We are all a fence post or stray Halloween decoration away from an impossible situation. It’s a delicate balance.

That said, nothing can prepare you for meeting Danny. Sweet, yellow-thonged Danny.

FRIDAY FUNK

Airline wait times.

Gas prices that bite.

Beloved rapist Bill Cosby.

The Kinks catching strays from Moby. Yes, this Moby.

And oh yeah, a war. A stupid war, started by a stupid man over stupid things. If you want a good look at the situation I would point you here; while everything has a bias these days, this breakdown feels pretty objective while also calling out the specific stupidity as to how we got where we are.

Life sucks right now - and I didn’t even touch on AI shit which is much more existential and long lasting, even longer lasting than getting involved in a land war in Asia. And it’s all just real dumb stuff that dumb people are deciding to do, setting off chain reactions that they’re too money blind to see.

But really, enough about that, because this little corner of the internet is fighting the good fight still, trying to push back on the AI slop that is slowing blobbing its way across the digital universe. I hope you treat it as a pleasant diversion, and suggest you share it with anyone who may need a diversion today…

What we should be talking about

Do I have any Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans here? You know, were I to dig in, I could connect some dots and suggest MST3K gave birth to our current world situation, but I am neither a college student looking for a dissertation, not a psychopath.

I am an OG MST3K fan however, going back to the very old days. But not as old as the this recently unearthed episode…

Found on an old VHS tape, it’s the show’s third overall episode ever and… i definitely shows. But completists should love it.

The latest from Julian Schnabel is coming to Netflix! And it appears to be… well probably not your average blockbuster film…

As you can see, In the Hand of Dante stars Oscar Isaac (who looks to be having a blast) and while the trailer doesn’t much give stuff away, the limited description I have found suggests… this is going to be a lot (let’s ignore the Rotten Tomatoes score).

Personally, I’m excited for this one.

This is a story about a man who led a team of kidnapped men to compete in a Mexican cartel-sponsored flag football game with life and death stakes. The whole story. Truth and whatnot. A fantastic piece of journalism that takes you behind the ropes and shows you what it takes. Something that is slowly dying. I can’t recommend it enough.

Fuck yeah! Trees! Specifically east coast tress. More specifically New York state trees. But really, that’s just the beginning…

Jam of the Day

For the movie box office at least.

That’s because Project Hail Mary is bouncing…

I don’t need to go into too many details about this movie. Many have already read the book, and those that haven’t I assume have seen the trailer and other marketing and should have a rough idea of what they’re getting into should they decide to go see it.

Usually it’s here I’d start rattling off some of the other options you have at the movies, but that seems a little incidental to me. Sure, you have Tow, Rose Byrne’s follow up to If I had Legs I’d Kick You, about a mom who lives in her car for a spell (it’s a true story!). And you have the Ready or Not: Here I Come sequel, which expands on the Ready or Not Here I Come universe. You also have Vampires of the Velvet Lounge, a seemingly 45 year old loner’s fetish dream, set to EDM music.

But let’s admit it - that slate of backups is pretty thin. So I’m going to do a quick spin to TV where aside from the NCAA basketball tournament, there are a few pretty decent options…

First up for all the Peaky Blinders fans, you have a new movie:

I have not watched a second of Peaky Blinders, but everyone tells me that’s a me problem and I’m missing out.

Next, as I mentioned Wednesday, you’ve got the second season of Jury Duty. Go click that link to get goods on that.

Lisa Kudrow is also back, in The Comeback which is also back! Much like Peaky Blinders, I have invested none of my time with this show, but it seems as though its fans are passionate about it and excited it’s returning. I watched the trailer and… I’m glad its fans are excited it’s back.

Amazon is also getting sneaky and bouncing two shows this weekend, one new and one returning.

First up we got the all-star cast flash-backy Imperfect Women:

I’m going to suggest there will be a twist, and a turn or two in this one!

Next up we have Deadloch, the Australian dark comedic crime show, returns for season 2:

But, if I had to choose one thing to watch, as in I was recently kidnapped and my kidnappers gave me only one choice this weekend for television entertainment, I think I would have to go with HBO’s Born to Bowl docuseries…

Now, I am getting a slight whiff of overhype with this, in that it may not completely deliver on its manufactured premise that pro bowlers, and more specifically, the pro bowling tour is kooky, whacky and full of drama. But my love for Kingpin trumps that and I need to know for myself, so I will be checking this one out.

Ok maybe one more thing freebie here because maybe it’s Ryan Gosling weekend and all… there is always, ALWAYS the option of popping The Nice Guys in:

You can never go wrong with The Nice Guys.

FRIDAY FUNK

Back in 2023, on Freevee, a streaming channel that I assure you exists, the television show Jury Duty premiered to a smattering of attention. But then somehow, someway, taht smattering amplified into a pretty big reception.

The show took the idea of reality television and scripted comedy and mashed them together, creating a fake television documentary around a court case in the state of California. Everyone involved, including the judge plaintiff, and defense were actors. Everyone, except for one person on the jury. This person was then put through the ringer of absurd, comedic situations, and his actions and reactions drove the show.

Poke at this concept too hard with a stick of cynicism and it’s easy to denounce the overall conceit of the show’s idea: basically fooling a person for the public’s entertainment. The show had a fine line to walk between entertainment and exploitation, but without spoiling anything, I would say it mostly succeeded (due in large part to the brilliance of James Marsden, playing an exaggerated caricature of himself).

Obviously with the show’s success, we’re going to get a second season. And while the jury trial idea has been done, this new season is based all around a fictitious company and its weekend retreat…

I believe the first season worked primarily because the show walked right up to the line of comic absurdity and then pulled back, giving just the right amount of realistic plausibility that the viewing audience could believe the reactions were real. Watching this trailer for season two, I’m mildly concerned they simply decided to go bigger and gave up on the illusion for laughs. I’ll still watch to see how they pulled it off, but I’m not sure it’s going to capture the magic of the first season. Also, again, I’m not sure it’s possible to capture the brilliance of what James Marsden was doing. For that alone I recommend the first season.

Anyway, season two begins this Friday on Amazon.

What else are people talking about

Kinda out of nowhere we got a look at Dune 3…

Unlike the internet, I am actually pretty ambivalent about all the Dune we’ve got. Visually, it can’t be beat, I won’t deny it. But the story?Admittedly, I never read the source material, nor have I been able to really connect with this series. Perhaps it’s because I’m a child of Star Wars, which I know liberally ripped off lots of Dune, but I can’t change what I engaged with first. And I don’t see even a hint of worm fucking in this so… I know plenty of you out there are rubbing it for this one and I’m happy for you.

We also got the latest Spiderman trailer. Is middle of March trailer season or something?

Not going into much of anything about how this continues the story of Spiderman, I’m a little befuddled by the shit CGI. Spiderman looks to be real floppy and dummylike when falling through the sky, no? Seriously, we can’t spend some money and time on making this look better? The earlier movies didn’t have this problem!

SXSW is currently in full swing and these are 25 movies premiering there. I’m down for the Kevin Bacon one.

And now for something completely different…

Connor O’Malley is definitely not for everyone. I believe my dad would write me out of his will were I to show him any of his comedy bits. However, you cannot argue he’s out there trying new stuff. Behold his latest video. Now a word of advice: the first 30 seconds is a bit of ho hum and you’re going to find yourself questioning the quality and comedy in those 30 or so seconds. Please, just continue forward and you will know when you get to the juicy center when you hear “Waymo Blanket Tours.”

Trust me.

Jam of the Day

Um, nope.

I mentioned Undertone back in February as a movie you should put on your watchlist…

And it seems that’s probably the most buzz worthy release this weekend. And I understand that the big boys in Hollywood have the algorithms telling them what to release when, and that winter months traditionally mean no ticket sales. And I also know Project: Hail Mary is due out next weekend which in some way kicks off the summer movie season(!?) but that doesn’t mean two and a half months should be throwaways. There are plenty of stupid reasons movies are dying, so I’m not sure why Hollywood is heaping on that pile by releasing such shitty product.

For example, as previously written about here, I eagerly anticipated the movie Good Luck, Have Fun, Don’t Die, the Gore Verbinsky movie positioned itself as a bonkers, happy-go-lucky 12 Monkeys type jam. So I went to see it opening weekend. And let me tell you…

It absolutely sucked.

And not in a ho-hum this is kinda derivative and boring. Oh no. They found all sorts of ways to make it suck, and not even Sam Rockwell could make it work. And the bigger issue was…

It didn’t have to suck.

There were some things there that, with perhaps a another pass on the script by a decent writer, something could have clicked in to make it a fun time (personally, I would have perhaps avoided the using a school shooting as a joke side plot) at the movies. Instead, it took a bunch of half-baked ideas and threw them at the audience all at once, much the same way a giant house cat shitting glitter would do.

And like, why? It had decent Hollywood star power, a name director and… well maybe the less said about the special effects the better, (that we, collectively as a society have now simply accepted bad CGI effects is one of the great Hollywood movie grifts and it sucks), which leaves us pretty much with the script. And boy oh boy did that script read like giving a six year old some cocaine and then asking him what he thought was cool about AI. So yeah but I feel as though… that’s an easy fix. Or at least a fix that doesn’t waste too much money and can happen before any film is shot. Unfortunately I think we’re probably past the point where Hollywood even understands that idea.

2026 so far has been a shit year for movies and I’m not sure it’s going to get better. And while I’m Chicken Little, and plenty of people have been eulogizing movies for awhile, this year feels especially bad. And while Steven Spielberg and Tarantino and Fincher are indeed coming through those doors later this year, do people even care anymore, or did we simply lower the bar of quality where mediocre is now our version of goood?

I can’t tell you undertone bucks any of these trends (critic Adam Neyman seems to dance around the idea that it tries to thread the needle between the bumps in the night we’re used to and something different without saying whether it succeeds or not), but at the very least it has a somewhat refreshing hook that carries a 76% on Rotten Tomatoes. That’s enough positivity to make it intriguing.

What Else?

Ok, that was a rant I didn’t think I was going to make. So let’s dig in to some of the other offerings this weekend.

I don’t even know what to say about Slanted, other than it feels as though it’s using a bulldozer to ram home teenaged social issues. And I can’t decide which is worse, that I feel the bluntness of its messaging feels hack or that the bluntness of the message wouldn’t get through to a significant portion of the population:

Colleen Hoover is cashing in more on her moment and really good for her. No hate here. Reminders of Him is her fare and if you’re into that this looks to be a well made, well “joy” is probably a little much, but a ride at least. I guess my one main criticism would be the trailer pretty much tells you the movie, but all trailers do that so is that really even a criticism?

And then there’s Scared to Death…

…a horror comedy? It was made in 2024 played a few festivals and is now maybe playing in a few theaters, but also up for renting on your favorite streaming service. It feels, low production and really jamming in some weird social commentary on getting canceled so I can’t say I would recommend it. But that also may be scar tissue from a movie I recently watched that actually had a similar presence…

I can’t give this one a big recommend because… well to get too deep into reasons would spoil the movie so I will simply say it’s not the worst thing in the world but it doesn’t pull off what it sets out to do. You could find worse ways to spend 90 minutes.

“What we’re looking for here is a serial killer…”

That line tells you both everything and nothing about Nicole Kidman 9 to 5 acting in Amazon’s new series Scarpetta. I’m sure it’s average. ANd sometimes average is all you want after dealing with (looking at the world) all this.

Sunny Nights looks like one of those dark comedy shows that are popular with the cool kids. It does have both Will Forte and D’Arcy Carden which elevates its cred a bit:

Into found footage/first person/doc style movies and subscribe to Shudder? Then I’ve got your weekend watch recommendation right here…

FRIDAY FUNK

As you may or may not have already read, we here at Gas Station Cuisine filed a rather extensive report on upcoming movies in 2026. Those reports can be found here and here and are must read masterpieces, diving deep into what’s coming.

Of course, that list is not comprehensive; the movies selected were a mix of big budget popular fare mixed with some titles that seemed intriguing and were attached to a famous name or two. And because of that, there will be smaller, interesting films that fall through the cracks.

It’s finding and sharing those movies that is a major part of what we do here. Movies like Mermaid:

While I can’t argue Mermaid will be good, I feel confident saying it will be interesting, and in these times of lackluster movie releases (2026 feels to be off to a lame start), interesting is something we should all cling to.

But then, you’ve got something like In the Grey…

… the latest knock em’ down blow ‘em up from Guy Ritchie, which is most likely neither good nor interesting but also… Coca Cola entertainment, something you know is explicitly not great but also familiar and somewhat comforting. Look, I judge no one - Guy Ritchie is competent with a camera, loves working and has made some bangers. He also made The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare. When you do as much as he does, they can’t all be perfect. But that’s the genius of it. It’s like spinning a roulette wheel!

And then you have Man on Fire, a movie Netflix series based on a book that was already a pretty decent Denzel Washington movie. And while remakes are nothing new in the world, I wouldn’t put it past Netflix making this to pick up views from people thinking they’re going to settle in for the 2004 movie:

The guy from the OC (to be clear, the show The OC), made a movie about cryptocurrency (to be clear, a documentary about cryptocurrency) and it looks… interesting?

I wish we could reset the idea of conspiracies, where they used to be Art Bell infused midnight stories to wonder about, and not how they’re currently being used to reshape the sociopolitical global community. Remember when lizard people were just a way to tell someone maybe was a little off and not a reason to pick up arms? I also understand that we’re in a as to yet impossible paradox of conspiracy accusations, where a simple retort of, “well, this article about HAARP debunking the spurious claims of weather control is obviously PART of the conspiracy,” but there’s not much I can do about that.

Ugh, I really need a fried chicken vending machine. Not that stupid, stale rainbow layer cake from Cake Boss (cake boss!).

I’m going to be honest: I didn’t expect to read about bears randomly attacking people in Japan today. And this ain’t no campers-out-in-the-Japanese-wilderness kinda thing. Well, to be fair, not all of the attacks happened in the forest. And while there are many theories as to why this might be happening, I’m pretty sure you won’t guess it.

Gang, give Fuzzy Duck some listening time. Labeled “prog-rock” for some weird reason, it’s most assuredly not. Or at least not your dad’s dipping into the space time continuum form of prog-rock you’re thinking about right now.

“… a wild art-school fever dream where Frankenstein meets cabaret, gangsters, and a graduate seminar on feminism.”

“Spectacularly ill-conceived from start to finish.”

“A cinematically scrumptious, thematically rich, yet narratively thin revamping of the classic tale.”

“There’s another barnstorming performance from Jessie Buckley as the sinister spouse, leaving savage bite marks all over the scenery and on her gallant co-star Christian Bale.”

And finally, we have Armond White’s review which, if you don’t know movie critic Armond White, you’re in for a fun time of bizarre references, tonal outrage and incredible leaps of logic and relevance. Seriously, his movie critique catalog is second to none. And he doesn’t disappoint with his review of The Bride!

If the big to-do this weekend isn’t The Bride!, I guess it’s Pixar’s Hoppers, a movie about a human becoming an animal in order to better understand animals.

And while I’m not going to watch it anytime soon, I am mildly intrigued with how they’re going to tackle the philosophical muck they raise at the end of the trailer. For an animated film, even Pixar created, it feels thorny, and rather audacious in its simplicity, and while, not apples to apples in comparison, reminds me a bit of what this commercial is doing:

There’s also remake of the 1986 hockey movie Youngblood…

The new Stephen Graham move, Heel, has finally arrived…

While I love that Graham routinely pushes the boundaries with a lot of his projects, this one feels like a miss. I want to be wrong but I don’t see anything too fresh here. And if he’s collecting a paycheck, that’s totally fine. I want him to make money so he can do the projects he wants.

Of course Heel looks like a masterpiece when you hold it up next to DRAGN. This movie is pissing me off for so many reasons, from suggesting quality by stating it’s “From the director of Hannibal Rising,” to its terrible title which works against it when trying to search it on Google and Youtube (“did you mean “Dragon?”) it only gets ten level worse when you watch the trailer and realize it’s pretty much the same exact movie as Stealth, which at least had Jamie Fox.

Finally, we have Dolly, and I saved it for the last because… well once you watch the trailer you’ll probably understand:

Legit fucked up in my book. Shot to be a 70s gorefest, I can’t speak to its quality, only its creepiness. And yes, that is Sean William Scott. Anyway, I have to imagine the Texas Chainsaw Massacre vibe is more than an homage but very deliberate, so what you thought about that movie will most likely give you a compass on how much (or little) you will enjoy Dolly.

So what about the boob tube?

I guess the biggest thing, or the thing I’ve seen the most about is Netflix’s War Machine, which looks like Predator with bigger explosions and some back story. Not necessarily a bad thing…

A lot of people say how much Taylor Sheridan cranks out, but he’s only following in the footsteps of Guy Ritchie who makes roughly 75 movies and TV shows a year. His latest is Young Sherlock, which tells you everything you need to know right there in the title:

ANd then HBO is maintaining it’s stranglehold on Sunday night elite television. DTF: St. Louis started last week and is humming along with some pretty positive reviews…

… and just absolutely turning into the curve the meta weirdness of smarmy Jason Bateman and swinger David Harbour.

And then there’s Rooster a grab at… adult pleasantness? Not sure what it’s going for but the cast alone is worth giving it a shot:

But let’s be honest, the biggest hit of this weekend is Ryan Gosling hosting SNL:

FRIDAY FUNK

If you aren’t watching HBO’s Neighbors I also don’t know what you’re doing. Positioned as a show about neighbor disputes of course it’s easy to laugh at these oftentimes absurd scenarios, including land disputes, cat trespassing and illegal farm creation.

But thinking about it for a few seconds more, there’s a sudden realization that while the show is giving us extreme examples of disputes, many of the people involved are similar and share commonality with one another. It’s never more apparent than in the first episode, telling the story of two families disagreeing about a gate on a dirt road. While there is obviously a difference of opinion about the gate, there is a lot of connective tissue between the two sides that suggest they would be friends were it not for this escalating tension.

And that’s when this show goes from comedic to scary.

Because it’s easy to watch and laugh at the absurdity of these bickering neighbors, until you start to think about how these disputes should be solved. There are no easy answers, and the show certainly doesn’t provide tidy conclusions. What it does give us is a look into how easy it is for us to be divided.

Staying on the HBO tracks, here’s another docuseries, this one on professional bowling, which will hopefully answer the old question of just how realistic Kingpin was…

In a Violent Nature was a horror movie with what some might call an innovative hook; it was mostly from the perspective from the killer. Aside from that, fairly typical slasher viscera.

But enough viscera to secure a sequel!

Turning our attention to television for a moment, is Mike & Nick & Nick & Alice the next big thing?

I doubt it but also, it looks like it could be a bunch o’ fun. Vince Vaughn is playing a 20 on the 1-10 Vince Vaughn scale, and I realize that’s not for everyone, but, hey look! James Marsden is also involved and as the best thing in both the recent Paradise (ugh, a low bar, but still, a bar to be over) and Jury Duty we gotta go looksee on this one.

The Oscars are in a little less than two weeks and if you want to be a completist, there are worse places to start than here. And that list isn’t no simple bests picture noms either. It’s got it all. I think it’s One Battle After Another’s to lose (for best pic) but there are other interesting races, and Conan is back to host so it should be, if nothing else, a fun watch.

Food for Thought

Look, I love a good conspiracy theory (aside from the world-breaking ones at least). Heck, I still think there’s a non-zero chance the band Hootie and the Blowfish is a CIA backed band designed to create some racial harmony against the background of the Rodney King riots.

So, the idea that the CIA would be involved in the downfall of rock and roll, as Billy Corgan, he of Smashing Pumpkins fame, is something similar and not something I would immediately dismiss.

However…

This pretty much breaks down why that really wouldn’t be the case, and furthermore points out that the theory pretty much simply covers up the sour grapes Corgan has based on his less than stellar output at that particular time.

And when I’m offered some logical reasoning and evidcence about a specific conspiracy theory, I listen. Because I’m a rational human being.

Still, I’d like to pick Darius Rucker’s brain for a little bit.

Music Stuff

U2 has a new EP out, here in the year of our lord 2026 and, it’s… not bad?

Caveat…

I think you have to be a U2 fan to really kinda be about it. It’s not going to blow the doors off anything or revolutionize the sound of music. It’s crafted with the headlines and anxieties of the world, but U2 always played in that sandbox. And Bono’s voice sounds pretty much Bono-perfect, which to me suggests a bunch of studio trickery, but hey, don’t U2 fans want that U2 experience?

I can’t answer that; my U2 life pretty much begins and ends with the 80s anthems they have and that stupid fruit song, which until about six seconds ago I thought was this video:

But, as you can see is not. It’s this video:

Which, I can’t think of a better example that captures my personal U2 experience.

Anyway, you may be different in which case I suggest giving the album a listen. It even has the clever reach across the generation aisle collab with Ed Sheeran!

Jam of the Day